Realizations of Self

Two full months after the gym's Fitness/Diet Challenge, and I just snapped! Well, not terribly. But, I've spent the better part of 2 weeks eating a lot of junk food. At first I could excuse it saying it was PMS. But, PMS cravings don't last that long! (darn it)

I had the thought in the back of my head for weeks that I might be over-training. But, I kept squashing it because I didn't want to slow down. (I hate appearing weak - physically or mentally).

I was to the point where I kept hoping people wouldn't show up to the morning class so that I could go back home and sleep an extra hour. That wasn't working. But, I was taking every spare few minutes I had to get in extra sleep or a nap. I even started skipping runs, even though I was already only running 3 days a week! I argued it away (in my head) by saying that the program said only 2-3, so its okay to just do 2 a week! (whatever!)

Then a couple weeks ago I started finding myself having my cheat meal every 2 days!! It still didn't sink in that I was really burning out! So last week it was Wednesday morning and I had been arguing with myself since mid-day Tuesday about whether or not I wanted to take Wednesday or Thursday as a rest day. But, while getting the guys ready to do their WOD during the 6am class, the decision was made for me! I was getting out a 45 lb. barbell, and as I went to put it on the ground, it fell out of my hands and flat onto my bare foot!!! Rick told me to sit on the floor - there wasn't much choice because I was about to faint!

Luckily nothing was broken, but even so I was out of commission from even feeling up to working out for 4 days! I am still not back to running because it feels strange just while walking (as if bones are out of place). The interesting thing is that when you refuse to really take a REAL break, and then are forced to take several days off....many things become crystal clear.

Such as, how much you miss running with friends and not worrying about your pace or performance. How your stomach has been knotting up before going to the gym because you're worried about beating your last time/reps/weight. How tired you are and how much you are loving sleeping in! And how sad it is that it took smashing your foot to make you stop even though deep down you already knew you were getting burned out!!

The good thing is, I'm making some changes!!! I've decided that it isn't CrossFit or running or even fitness that I need the break from. It is the pressure that I place on myself that I need the break from. I still think CrossFit is the best thing since sliced bread, and deep down I still love running. But, what I don't want right now is a goal, a training program, or any pressure to compete. I want to just run because I feel like it, and I don't want to care how fast or far I go. I want to go do a CrossFit WOD and not care how many sets I do, or how fast I do it. I want to just go have FUN!!!!!

Some people might think "oh, that CrossFit is going to do that to you because it's just not good". It isn't the CrossFit that caused the problem - it was ME!!! I do this regularly - take on too much because I think I'm invincible and think that I should be able to carry heavy loads non-stop all the time. I don't like to admit defeat or weakness - EVER! I'll even get angry with my husband because I feel like I'm doing everything and he's not helping me, but I haven't even asked him for help. I just hoped he would see how much I'm doing and how tired I am, and then OFFER to help. How stupid is that?!

So, thank you to the foot and my clumsy self for giving me the break that I needed to realize that I need a break from my self-imposed strictness!!! My only goal for the next several weeks (or maybe months) is to ENJOY my fitness. I know it won't be easy to stop trying to break my PRs....but I'll know I'm ready to start breaking those CrossFit and Racing PRs when I'm looking forward to doing it rather than feeling queasy about it!